Introspection and Introversion

I saw a couple of state high school championship football games yesterday. Two schools from my friends' newspaper's coverage area played Saturday afternoon and night. They both lost.

It was good to see K & T though. They came up to cover three area schools that were playing for the championship. I think we had fun. I like being with friends-- I like the interaction.

After the last football game, I went to C's farewell party. She's leaving the Bold New City and going out-of-state for grad school. I thought about sticking around a little longer, but I didn't know many of the people at the party at that time. I then thought about going across the street to Don's and even made it to the door. I decided against entering though. I didn't feel like being social.

I'm naturally introverted. While I like being with people, I prefer the background. I'm the quiet guy in the group. Sometimes talking and mostly listening-- or at least attempting to listen. I'm not known-- or at least I don't think I am-- for being an exuberant or particularly extroverted guy unless I've had too much to drink, am at an Allstars concert, or when that theme to Zorba the Greek is playing at Don's.

I'll try not to get too introspective (and repetitive), but I've always been the quiet one, the shy one, the one with the shell around him, the one unlucky in love.

I don't know why it started. Is it because I talked differently and needed speech therapy when I was younger? Is it because I'm partially deaf in one ear? Is it because I tend to not talk a lot when I'm with friends and acquaintances at bars?

I don't know.

Since I moved here a little over five years ago, I've tried my best to be active socially. It was difficult since I didn't know many people around here and that the great majority of my friends and colleagues at my workplace are either older or don't share a lot of my interests.

When I moved here, people invited me to attend their churches. The thing is though I've had past experiences with institutional religion that were too negative. Partly it's because I consider myself to be pretty rational. One consequence of my rationalism is that overly emotional appeals (e.g., political, sports, and religious) to me don't work. Also I've had interactions with some Christians who verbally tried very intensively to convince me to attend church and wound up being insulting towards me.

When responding to such tactics, I usually ignore people who practice them, which has often infuriated said people. At any rate, I've not considered myself welcome in church in years.

I don't know if I would have the same experiences had I grown up in a larger town or city, but there have been times when I wished I didn't grow up in a small town. Yes, I have feelings of ambivalence. I know I am who I am because I grew up in a small town. I made good friends; however, there were times I was unhappy.

Am I happy now? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm not. I try not to be self-pitying though because it's counterproductive and irrational. It makes me feel bad & I don't like that.

Do I belong here? I think so. I certainly hope so. I'm still slightly introverted. I still have the shell around me even though people have said it's not as noticeable. I'm still unlucky in love. However, I have friends who make me feel welcome & that's good.